Saturday, 14 January 2012

Life is a beach!!

Apologies once again for my tardy blogage, I shan’t fob you all off with my usual reason of lack of internet access (although that is true) I’ve been having too much fun! Pretty much since my last entry in Hoy Anne I’ve been going from beach to beach (apart from a few mandatory stops at major cities), but before I make you all jealous with visions of sun kissed paradise, you may be pleased to hear that it’s mainly been shite weather!
My first stop was at a place called Nha Trang which the top gear lot stopped in at to play on the beach during their Vietnam special (if you haven’t seen it it’s quality!). Although it pretty much pissed it down the entire time I was there I decided to make the most of it by basically throwing money at it! I started off by trying something new and going for a mud bath at the nearby health spar. This was actually pretty cool once I got over the initial icky feeling and coldness of the muddy water I was sat in, and once I let go and submerged myself under the mud let the cool liquid fill my ears (yes gross I know!) I managed to drown out the noisy kids and loud Germans and was at peace, all be it for about 10 minutes! I got out to wash myself off stopping briefly to chat up the most smoking hot Australian girl I’ve seen on my travels and sat in the Jacuzzi bit followed by the beautifully warm waterfall and pool. The aussie girl and her English mate joined me and the two northern I’d be-friended in the pool and I managed to muscle in (pun intended….) on going for a cheap and recommended massage. This was probably my best massage of my travels and although I exchanged contact details with the slamming Aussie girl I was destined to not meet her again as I managed to lose my phone the following evening! That night I had a chilled evening sat watching some free TV ready to get up bright and early the next day for some touristy boat trip round some of the islands.

The next morning I woke up, went downstairs and exchanged football knowledge with the hotel owner whilst waiting for my lift to the boat, only to be informed that the chap who booked the trip the previous night hadn’t arranged it! So my football fan come hotel manager plonked me on the back of his scooter and tore off towards the pear for a replacement booze cruise he managed to arrange last minute. This was to prove mainly awesome as the trip itself was a blast. It consisted of me, two irish guys, a couple of Europeans and a couple of English girls being the only drunk “fun” people on the boat and a whole bunch of pretty boring Russians/germans and Chinese tourists (not sure why they had selected this trip as it was blatantly just a piss up on a boat!). Same as Halong bay really; jumping into the water from the top of the boat, swimming in the sea etc then a big meal with all the punters. Then they cleared the table and turned it into a massive stage and the cabin crew suddenly turned into musicians and proceeded to performed live music with drums and guitars. Then they played a song from each of the origin countries of the guests and asked a representative to come up and sing along. So of course when it came to England I was up like a shot! Wonderwall by Oases was then played pretty well, but sung appallingly by the main singer, and all the time I was hoping he would just shut the fuck up and let me sing the song by myself. It wasn’t just that he was completely out of key, couldn’t pronounce the words and had a terrible voice, I could have coped with that, it was that he was out of time with the rest of the band who appeared mildly embarrassed to be associated with him. Oh, and one of the crew doned a coconut bra and called himself the ladyboy and I’m rather ashamed to say I motorboated his makeshift cleavage for the entertainment of the crowd. They then created the ‘floating bar’ from a few rubber rings and a bottle of syanide strength vodka and fruit. The ‘bar man’ had clearly been hanging around with some English tourists as he kept shouting, whilst dispencing the booze, “bloody good barman, cocktails fucking minging!” Anyway on the trip back to the shore I managed to agree to a drunken threesome with the two English girls and arranged to meet with them and the irish guys at the why not bar that night. A well earned powernap and a kfc later I met with the irish guys but unfortunately the English girls never came out to play . The Three of us then hit the sailors club which is the happening place in town and set about chatting up some Aussie girls. I wasn’t really involved in the conversation for a while as the Irish and Ausies all worked as quantity survayors, but I managed to get the attention of the hottest girl by explaining that I was a professional Massuse and I was in SE asia to set up a massage studio (it’s not lying, it’s flirting). The Four of us then took turns to dodge the security and run into the sea (seeing the 6.3 irish guy, who was built like a rugby player and wearing nothing but his under-kegs dodging flying tackles from tiny Vietnamese security guards was one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen). It wasn’t that they didn’t want us to go into the sea for our safety, they just didn’t want us going in on their segment of the beach as presumably they didn’t want the paperwork. I was chatting to this English guy about the book “the game” and just as we where exchanging contact details to meet further down the road I spotted a gap in security, whipped off my shorts and legged it into the sea. I immediately regretted the decision as the waves where fooking huge and battered the hell out of me! I also got loads of sand into my underwear so had to spend the rest of the evening with itchy nads . More importantly somewhere along the line I lost my phone, which I was confident the English guy had until I met him 5 days later in Ho Chi Min (Saigon) and he told me that the last thing he remembers of that evening was being kicked out and ruffed up by a bunch of very angry security guards and he didn’t know why. I suspect that was my fault for running unto the sea as they may have thought he was next to go in! Oh well!

The following day I met with the Irish guys and we agreed to head to the water park on the neighboring island. Somehow we also managed to aquire a still hammered English guy who had long hair and looked like your classic hippy stoner. I wasn’t to impressed with my first impression of him but he turned out to be harmless entertainment for the day. It was hacking it down all day but we still managed to have a ball at the waterpark and the highlight was defo when the four of us went down one of those rubber rug type slides (where you lye facing forwards like we did in Turkey) and at the end I turned around to see that the English guy was making an absolute commission as he’d somehow got his junk trapped in the handles! By this stage we had a pretty good audience of Chinese/Vietnamese locals watching as he struggled to get clear and then his swimmers fell right down exposing his meat and two veg to the on looking Asian families! I nearly cried with laughter.
That was pretty much it for Nha Trang, the next day I headed south to Moy Ney to try and find some sun…..

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